Let's Go Asplorin: A Series Of Rants
by pikachugirl2
Summary: A series of Dora The Explorer rants with my own opinions. One rant for each character, and rated T for language and themes. Come on, everybody, let's go asplorin through the world of Dora! The weird way!
1. The Little Explorer Herself, Dora

**Ah, Dora. Dora, Dora, Dora. The explorer. I really just don't know where to begin with her. First off I'll start by saying that a five-year-old little girl shouldn't exactly be left walking around by herself doing nothing but catching stars, being friends with a monkey(who could have disease, for all we know) and going on all these random "adventures". And where exactly does this girl live where apparently everyone knows how to speak both English and Spanish? The animals know how, for God's sake. Well, everyone except the fox. But that's not the point. So what is?**

**It's that this girl has to be an immigrant or something.**

**There's no other explanation I can think of, really. She's gotta be an immigrant. A really stupid immigrant, at that. I mean really. **

**For example: there's a bridge. And, Oh My God, four assorted pieces are missing. Now she's tall enough to just step over them and everything. But what does she do? She turns to the monkey and starts going on and on about how the pieces are missing and how they can't get across the bridge. **

**This girl has no common sense…anyway, she complains about everything and she's a little too lazy to think. **

**Another example: She's looking for a tree. The tree is directly behind her. And she doesn't have the patience to turn around. So what does she do? Looks at the children out there about 6 times younger than her and asks them if they see the freaking tree. GOOD GOD. **

**Not only that, but she has to always say something in Spanish no matter what she does, and somehow it slows down time. And I find it funny she assumes she has to scream in Spanish because she forgets the fact that everything in her world speaks both Spanish and English.**

**A Third Example: A train is about three feet from a cliff, and she's riding in it. If they don't stop, she'll go flying off and everything. So she starts yelling at the kids "Oh no! If we don't stop soon, the train will fall! We have to stop the train! Help me by shouting "train" in Spanish! On three, everybody! One, two…"**

**And, Oh God. The biggest thing I want to talk about with this girl. The Star Catching Business. Somehow she catches stars and uses them for slave labor. That's abuse, I tell you. She locks them in a pocket on her backpack(which is apparently removable in some cases) and they can't breathe, then she only takes them out to use them for her own cruel purposes. It's like Spanish Pokemon for four-year-olds. **

**And guess what? EVEN THE STARS SPEAK SPANISH.**

**This is ridiculous. Everything is an immigrant if even the stars start speaking Spanish. And I bet the little explorer girl started all of that.**

**But anyway, with the star catching thing, they practically fly right over to her and just wait for her to grab them. And she calls herself a star catcher. And she lets the stars go after she uses them for her own purposes. So now this is Pokemon Ranger in Spanish?**

**Also, when does this girl even eat? She doesn't let the stars eat, and the monkey obviously only eats sweets, so does this girl have all her adventures in one day or something like that? Because she'll only eat if someone offers her something. And that's definitely not healthy for a growing five-year-old girl. She's at least gotta be anorexic, then. All the weight went to her head, which is probably why its so big.**

**I also just remembered something else. In all the time this show has been running(at least as far as I know), the girl has never cried, hurt herself, gotten angry, changed her clothes, gone to the bathroom, taken a shower…does she do ANYTHING besides explore?**

**And every time she reads a book, something comes out of the book when she finishes reading it and starts causing problems for her. And, because she has nothing better to do, she helps them. **

**I also want to know where she got the monkey. The zoo? I mean, the monkey just appeared out of nowhere. And does everything she wants it to without her even saying it.**

**To zip this little rant closed, I'd like to question the "We Did It" dance. She can't rhyme for her life, she absolutely sucks ass at dancing, and she sings about the stupidest things. It's almost as bad as the "Everybody Let's Go" song that she sings when they're walking and they seem to get there 16 times faster when she sings it rather than traveling for days on end. Everything that comes out of her mouth affects time and space.**

**But hey, she's an explorer. She's Dora. THE explorer.**


	2. The Monkey Named After A Type Of Shoe

That monkey. It's even worse than Dora. Who names their monkey after a pair of shoes? It's just…WRONG. And of all shoes, boots that look completely ridiculous on it, of all things. So this rant here is based off of Boots the freaking monkey.

Now don't get me wrong, I know if I had a choice I'd want a monkey as a pet. But Dora's parents just told her she could have a monkey for no good reason. I just hope it's not like specific show starting with a "P" where on their 10th birthday every kid gets one and sets out on their adventure through a screwed-up world where nothing makes sense. Apparently Dora got a monkey on her fifth birthday and set out on an adventure where she does nothing in particular in a world where everyone speaks English and Spanish. EVEN HER MONKEY.

And it's blue. It had to be a lab experiment or something. Maybe they gave it boots because it has no feet or something. I mean, have we ever even seen Boots's feet at all? Dora probably makes out with it behind the scenes. That monkey will never get a girlfriend anyway.

Not only is it molecularly distorted, it's ANNOYING. It cries over everything. If Swiper takes something from them, it starts crying. And who can forget the tear-filled moment when Boots lost his boots after singing a song about how much he loved his boots? That monkey has to be somewhat bipolar. And Dora doesn't do too well to reassure it. "Don't worry, Boots," isn't gonna cut it, lady. You just traumatized the monkey by throwing his boots in a river and all you can say is "Don't worry"? What kind of owner are you, Dora?

She doesn't even feed the thing, for God's sake. Not that she eats either, but you'd think if her parents trusted her with a monkey she'd at least feed it. It's going to go insane and eat her while she's sleeping. I think it ate bananas once or twice, but it doesn't even eat that often. And it sings to the sucky melodies of the show against its will. It dances, it does whatever Dora tells the kids to do, anything. While I don't have very much to say about the monkey, I've gotta admit, that thing is pretty abused now that I think about it.

And the monkey doesn't even get pissed about Dora stealing the spotlight. She's a star catching five-year-old heroic inspiration to millions, so what does that make him? The monkey sidekick who has no purpose to the show. I mean, the show isn't called "Dora The Explorer and Boots", just "Dora The Explorer". And when people talk about the show, they just say "Dora" and not "Boots". So it's abused and neglected. This is ridiculous, Dora. It's also why the only pets that willingly come to you are immigrant stars that like to sit in your pocket all day.

The bottom line is that Boots is abused and neglected and will always have to deal with the fact that its maste- ahem, _owner_, will always steal its spotlight.

Such is the life of a blue monkey named after a pair of shoes. You would've thought Dora would've named it Bob or something half-decent.


	3. HE'S THE MAP, HE'S THE MAP, HE'S THE MAP

Oh dear God. The map. I have so much to say about the map. Where to begin…

First of all, have you ever noticed that he can't give proper directions? This is how a map session goes:

Map: I'm the map, I'm the map…

Viewer: WE KNOW YOU'RE THE FREAKING MAP!!!

Map: Dora and Boots need to get to the Candy Garden!

Viewer: You take care of it, you're the map.

Map: First they go to the bridge…

Viewer: Um, okay…

Map: Then the mountain…

Viewer: Well how do they get to the mountain?

Map: And then Candy Garden!

Viewer: How'd they get to the bridge? You can't just say "first they go to the bridge", then they won't know how to get there! And you call yourself a map!

And that sums up the directional issues. Now we have the real problem, and my theory.

Why must he always tell us he's the freaking map?

I have multiple theories on this subject:

1. The map has an identity crisis, he doesn't believe he's the map. So he tries to convince himself by telling everyone around him that he's the map. Because he doesn't believe he is. He has to let the world know that he's the map when he doesn't even believe it.

2. He killed his brother, the REAL map, and has been posing as him for years. So that means the current map is really the REAL map's evil twin brother, the compass. He tries to convince the world that he's the real map so he can continue his plot to kill Dora in her sleep.

3. HE'S FREAKING ON CRACK.

And another thing. Why does that map always hang out in Dora's backpack? Do they have a relationship or something? (Well hey, if Dora has Boots then the Map has the Backpack, right?)

So then how exactly did Dora get her hands on the map, anyway? I still haven't figured that one out. I think one day she went to one of those shady stores to get some extra crack. Then…there it was. Sitting on a dusty shelf. THE MAP. And Dora says "What's that?" and the guy says "Here is the map. Where do you wish to go?" (If you get the reference post it in your review please). And so Dora bought the map, hoping it would lead her to an abundance of crack hidden deep in the mountains somewhere.

The map had brain damage, too. I mean, after all that stuff that Dora goes through, the map suffers brain damage from getting knocked around all the time. It's like shaking a baby to make it stop crying. It's a very awkward process. (No, not shaking the baby, getting brain damage.)

That map must've been originally made to find drugs or something. I mean really, some of the places it leads everyone to are just…RIDICULOUS. Candy Garden? Exactly what kind of candy are you getting at? Meth?

I swear to God, when Dora met the map, the first thing she asked it offscreen was "Two things. What are you smoking and where can I get some?"

Don't insult him too bad, though, because remember, he's the map.


	4. Fox McCloud Would Be A Better Thief

**Oh. My. God. This is some sort of sick joke right here. Honestly. A criminal who can't steal anything to begin with? That's right, I'm talking about sniper- ahem, **_**Swiper **_**the fox.**

**Alright, to start with, he is the only one who doesn't speak Spanish in the whole show. Not only that, though, he can be stopped by small children telling him not to steal anything, too. I mean, with most criminals, you've gotta set off an alarm or something. With this guy, it's just "Swiper, no swiping! Swiper, no swiping!" WHAT THE DISTORTION WORLD?????**

**Along with that is the fact that the few things he CAN get his hands on, he doesn't even actually keep! He steals Dora's freakin' cookie and just tosses it RIGHT BEHIND HER and then says "Ha! Now you'll never find it!"**

**Yeah, just turn around, you freaking- never mind. Children are reading this.**

**Anyway, then Boots starts crying, and…God I hate this show.**

**If I were the map watching all this, I'd be thinking "Bwahahaha, n00b."**

**Not only that, he never steals anything good! I mean really, what's a fox gonna do with a balloon? Does he purposely try to make a fool of himself??? What is WRONG with this guy???**

**And also, when did he meet Dora? Personally, as stated in my rant about the Map, Dora probably wanted to map to help her find crack and such. I bet that Swiper was a crack addict too, so he wanted the map to himself to find crack with, and then things insued when he realized someone else had the map…..**

**See? Dora gets everyone pissed.**

**It's true I don't have much to say about Swiper, as opposed to, well, Dora, but, yeah, he sucks. (And, well, I, um, enjoy, well, using commas after freaking everything….)**

**You know who'd make a better Swiper? Fox McCloud from the Star Fox games. At least then if someone tried to stop him he could do a Barrel Roll. Then instead of Dora yelling for him not to steal crap, Wolf would come in and go "Can't Let You Do That, Star Fox!!!"**

**Back to the point, Swiper just SUCKS at stealing things. True, it'd be funny to watch him try to rob a bank. He'd go up to the bank teller and take about three dollars out of a cash register, then throw them behind her and say "HA! NOW YOU'LL NEVER FIND IT!!!" And then he just runs away…**

**Really, Team Rocket is more threatening then Swiper, and that's saying a lot. At least they TRY to steal things and don't just throw it behind someone. I mean really, if they threw Pikachu behind Ash and said he'd never find it, then they'd get Thunderbolted faster than you can blink.**

**Bottom line: SWIPER SUCKS AS A CRIMINAL. Yet next to the backpack, he is my favorite Dora character just solely because of how much he sucks as a criminal. Really, it's a sick joke. He should work in a junkyard. All they do is throw stuff anyway. I bet he'd be awesome at scavenger hunts, though. Much better than Dora could ever be good at. At least Swiper doesn't ask five-year-olds to do everything for him.**


	5. SCREW CAPACITY I HAVE INFINATE SPACE

Does anyone else see something odd about that stupid backpack? Really? Am I the only one here? Just the stupid jingle is a precursor for something. "Everything that you might need I've got inside for you?" So if Dora's in a situation where she's gonna be stabbed and/or roasted alive by killer robots, we have nothing to worry about, backpack is there with a comfort blanket and a box of tissues. WTF?

Okay, this is the last of my rants about the various Messed-Up-Nonsensical adventures of Dora The Explorer, with, you guessed it, the backpack.

Now out of all characters, the backpack is one I definitely have the least to talk about.

But that one sentence is enough to bring up alarming questions.

"Everything that you might need I've got inside for you."

So just think what could possibly be in there. Remember the map? Three thousand pounds of crack in there. Boots's boot cleaner. And even Dora's little star enslavement device.

So sorry if this last rant isn't as hilarious as the rest of them, but yeah, that one sentence is probably my biggest issue with this thing.

And then there's the "OMG SCREW CAPACITY" thing. It's like Mary Poppins all over again. That bag is a bottomless pit. I mean seriously, do you see some of this stuff that fits into this thing? During the little selections, I see an umbrella, a raincoat, about six water bottles, Morgan Freedman, a bomb, sun tan lotion, three sacks of marshmallows and Giygas's toothbrush. HOW DOES THAT WORK?

In my opinion, that backpack is the step…sister…brother…whatever…to Jeff's Backpack from Earthbound. I mean really. Bottle rocket, Bottle rocket, Multi-bottle Rocket, Big Bottle Rocket, Broken Trumpet, Heavy Bazooka, Crusher Beam, Broken Antenna, Shiny Coin, Platinum Band, Holmes Hat…and a cookie. WITH ROOM TO SPARE.

And you would think with all the stuff in there, Dora could just completely annihilate Swiper on the spot, anytime, anywhere.

"HA! You'll never fi-OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OKAY I'M PUTTING IT BACK I'M PUTTING IT BACK JUST PUT THE GUN DOWN"

Also, I guarantee that they sold this backpack in the same place they sell all other RPG backpacks. Especially the ones in Pokemon, dear lord. You know, with about five pockets that hold 10x more than anything in Earthbound.

Okay, so if this backpack can hold basically time and space itself, why does Dora never eat? There's gotta be about fifteen all-you-can-eat buffets lined up in there just waiting. But there's always the occasional episode with someone saying "I'm hungry!" and Dora can't be bothered with opening the thing.

Way to go, backpack.

IN CONCLUSION OF EVERYTHING, LET'S RECAP:

-Dora is…just Dora.

-Boots is a total attention wh-I mean, a total drama queen. (Gotta take the kiddies into consideration…)

-The Map talks to us like mental patients. "BRIDGE, TREE, ROCK!"

-Swiper absolutely blows at being a criminal and should be fired/replaced with Sly Cooper or Duster from MOTHER 3 or some sort of actually decent thief.

-And the backpack was created by Mary Poppins, for Mary Poppins.

So basically…THEY ARE ALL TOOLS.

And for that reason…I love this show. It taught me how to say "jump" in Spanish. Although…I did learn about 17x more Japanese from watching anime with subtitles than I did Spanish from watching Dora.

And for the rest of your lives may you see Dora in different eyes. Who knows, I might do this for Spongebob too, which I happen to watch everyday of my life. So I would know.

For the record, for anyone in the reviews who thinks otherwise of me now:

1. I have nothing personally against this show. I just love doing this sort of thing. That's why I might do Spongebob.

2. I have nothing against latinos. I'm 50% latino myself, thanks.

3. Maybe you guys are right about not having rants on this site. But I do things my way, and unless a mod or something comes along and tells me to GTFO with this thing, I'm gonna keep it on here.

4. And I might do Pokemon or MOTHER 3 or Earthbound. Thing being, I treat all three like my children, so I don't know if I could bring myself to. Zelda is another one I'd have trouble with. It's gotta be something that isn't really all that serious, like Spongebob. I know M3 is serious as HECK, so yeah. You can't pay me to mock Masked Man. I will go to bed in tears with a gun to my head if I ever have to mock him.


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